Venomaddict

This is the original ch 1 for TROMS. When I first started this story, I had planned on making it a bit of an angst-fest, but once I had finished writing ch 2, it was obvious that it had taken on a very different tone. As I kept writing, the story evolved on it's own and all planned plot lines were abandoned. By the time I got to ch 7, my lovely Beta, RiaMaria, suggest that I rewrite ch 1 to make it more in keeping with the rest of the story. Don't get me wrong - there will still be some angst, but not quite like I had planned.

Anyway, you'll probably notice that some of the story is the same, or slightly different, and some parts are completely changed. Feel free to tell me what you think. Did I make the right decision?

CHAPTER 1

"Endings & Beginnings"

In a matter of nine short weeks, my life has turned itself upside-down. I am no longer the person that I was. Now, all that's left of me is a shell; hard outer skin, but hollow inside.

My world came crashing down around me only two days after I finally graduated from High School. I can still remember that night so clearly. There had been a fierce storm raging, and to try to distract myself from all the noises that would make me jump in fear, I had been watching some god-awful reality show as a distraction. I was surprised that I could even hear the pounding on the door over the volume of the TV, as I had turned it up to drown out all other sounds.

As I answered the door, I was surprised to see one of the guys from the station standing on the doorstep.

"Hey Andrew! My Dad's not home right now. Would you like to come in, it's freezing out there." I turned to head for the kitchen, but I halted in my tracks as Andrew spoke.

"Bella, wait!" His tone was serious, and as I turned to look at him, I could see now he had stepped inside into the light, that his expression was pained and that he suddenly looked much older than his years.

Fear was bubbling up inside of me, threatening to boil over, and I couldn't hold back the question that was clawing my insides to shreds.

"What's happened to my Dad?" My voice was shaky and tears were already brimming in my eyes.

"There was an accident…" I didn't give him the chance to finish.

I was reaching for my coat as I spoke. "Well, let's get going then. Could you please drive? I really don't think I should right now." He was standing there with a blank look on his face, as if I was speaking in another language. "Andrew? We have to go. Visiting hours are almost over at the hospital and I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to stay much after that."

Comprehension dawned on him, and as it did, his face paled.

"Bella, you don't need to go to the hospital. Please, come and sit down." His tone was calm and reassuring, but his pallor had me worried.

"I don't need to sit down. Please, Andrew… just tell me what's happened."

It was then that the words that changed my life forever were finally spoken. "I'm truly sorry, Bella… I hate to be the one to have to have to tell you this, but Charlie passed away shortly after 7pm this evening."

"Charlie's dead?" I asked, more to make sure that I had understood what he had meant. He nodded solemnly.

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss Bella."

My knees had buckled beneath me and I couldn't seem to understand anything else that was said to me, for how long, I couldn't tell you. Time had no meaning, and I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I was now alone. Totally alone. No Mom, no Dad. Both were now gone forever.

I can hardly remember my Mom anymore. I was only 4 when she had passed away, and by all accounts it had been relatively quick; she didn't suffer as much as she could have. The cancer had spread too rapidly throughout her body to be stopped, and within months of diagnosis she was taken from us. My Dad had never really gotten over it, although he pretended otherwise, but he managed to deal with it – somehow.

It took me a few hours at least to be able to process the whole story of what had happened to Charlie. I was told that he had been on his way back from La Push when one of the tires on the cruiser had been punctured by fallen debris on the road, causing it to burst. The heavy rain had made the road slick, and the car had skidded out of control and collided at speed with a tree. I was told that he died on impact, and had not suffered. Even so, the thought that what if he had been alive and trapped, dying slowly and alone, sent me into hysterics.

The worst part of the whole night was the point when Andrew had asked if I would go in the next morning to identify the body. I agreed, but the thought terrified me.

I was exhausted, but too afraid to sleep. I didn't want to be here on my own. Not right now. Even though it was almost midnight, I decided to call my best friend, Jacob. In a small town, word travels like wildfire, but the news that I was about to deliver hadn't yet made it out to La Push, and both Jake and his Dad, Billy, who had been my Dad's best friend, were terribly shaken by the suddenness of it all. Within 20 minutes Jake had arrived, and he sat with me all night as I cried and talked and tried to come to terms with all that had happened.

The next morning, Jacob drove me into the Police station, where I was accompanied to the morgue. There was absolutely no doubt – it was Charlie. I was thanked for coming in as well as given sympathetic regrets about having to ask me to do this. All I could do was nod. I was too tired and drained to cope with anything else at that time.

After I had been given his effects and Jacob had driven me back home, I sat on the couch and stared about the room that had been my Dad's own personal sanctuary. Everything in this house reminded me of him, and I just couldn't seem to accept the fact that he was not ever coming back.

Tears overwhelmed me once more, and Jacob quietly grabbed a few things for me before taking me back to his place, where I stayed with him for the next few days, until the funeral.

Of course, all of Forks had turned out for it. That's what happens when the Chief of Police is tragically removed from the community. It's like part of the family had died for all of them as well. The days that followed were the worst.

Everywhere I went well wishers imparted their sympathies to me, and I would always end up a sobbing mess. By the end of the week, I had gone back home and withdrawn from the world. Jacob had been worried about me, so he had temporarily moved onto the couch in the living room so that he could be there if I needed him. Mainly he would do all the necessary running around, dealing with the outside world. I wanted no part of it.

For the next month I spent a lot of time thinking of what I should do, weighing-up my options carefully. I had finally decided that I needed to get out of Forks, but where to go? I had already been accepted to attend Washington University in Seattle, which was due to start in around a month's time, but the thought of attending college was too much, way too soon. I made the decision to defer my attendance for a year; I needed time to get myself together. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to attend college anymore, and I knew that it was something that I would need to think over very carefully before doing anything.

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made to go to Seattle still. Just prior to graduation I had managed to find accommodation, fairly close to the college campus. Charlie hadn't been overly keen on me moving into the dorms, and I had to admit that the thought of all that constant forced socializing had been enough to give me anxiety attacks. It had seemed perfect when I found a "Roommate Wanted" ad online for an apartment just a few minutes' walk from campus, so I organized a meeting as soon as I could.

I had been able to feel Charlie's growing anxiety as we drove into Seattle. Even though I was now 18 years old, I knew that he was having a hard time reconciling the fact that I was no longer his little girl. I was now an adult who was heading out into the big wide world, and for the first time, I would be truly fending for myself.

As we pulled up in front of a large red brick building, Charlie had let out a low whistle.

"You sure you got the address right?" he asked as he glanced at the beautiful and exclusive looking apartment block.

"This is the address I was given." I replied, and I honestly wondered if I had misread the amount of rent that they were asking. Surely I could never afford to live here.

We were buzzed up to the top floor, apartment 14. If we had thought that the exterior of the building was impressive, then it was nothing compared to the inside of this apartment. We were given the grand tour, and Charlie and I were both blown away by the sheer size of the place. The 4 bedroom apartment was currently housing just two other girls, called Rosalie and Alice. It seemed perfect. They both seemed really friendly, and as it turned out the rent, was in fact incredibly reasonable, as Alice's parents owned the apartment. I was over the moon with excitement, and I readily accepted their offer to move in.

With this arrangement already in place, I began to pack my stuff up. I needed a fresh start, and this opportunity was just too good to pass up.

I was so grateful to Jake and his friends from La Push for their help in packing up the house. I sold most of the furniture, and donated a lot of items to various charities. I would prefer that others in need have these things, as I couldn't stand to see them thrown away and I couldn't take them with me.

I contacted my new roommates and informed them that I would be arriving a week later than originally anticipated, explaining what had happened. With that taken care of, it was time to prepare the house to be sold.

The La Push boys were absolute godsends during the whole renovation process. I had so little money to spend, but with their skills and know how we were able to repaint throughout, as well as update the kitchen and bathroom by changing just a few little things. By the time we had finished, the house no longer resembled the home I knew.

It was the night before the move, and Jake and I were huddled up on the floor in front of the TV, eating pizza. Almost everything that I was planning on keeping had been packed into the moving van, with the exception of the mattresses that Jake and I were sleeping on, and, of course, the TV.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jake's voice was soft and concerned as he asked me the same question that he had been asking for the last few weeks.

"I'm positive. I need to move on with my life." I could still feel my own nagging doubt about this decision to uproot myself and move into the unknown, but I had made up my mind and I was determined to see this through.

"I'll miss you, you know." I could hear the sadness in his voice and I automatically wrapped my arms around him.

"I'll miss you too, but I'll only be in Seattle. You can always come and visit."

He sat back from me now as he studied me. He knew me too well, and he caught the meaning of my words. "You won't be coming back." It wasn't a question. It still surprised me that he was capable of picking up on little things like that, but that was why he was my best friend.

I couldn't look at him as I replied. "Not for a little while, at least. There's just too much sadness here for me right now. But eventually…" I couldn't finish what I wanted to say. It was causing me too much pain. I was hurting Jake, and it was killing me.

After a few minutes silence between us, he finally spoke, breaking the growing tension in the room. "I really don't want you to leave."

"Jake, we've been through this," I pleaded. I really didn't want to go through it all again with him. Not now. It was just too late to do anything about it.

"Bella, I... um… I… shit!" The frustration was etched all over his face as he struggled to find the words. There was something that he wanted to say and from the sounds of it, it was serious. I suddenly became very nervous about what that could be.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

He shrugged his shoulders and his posture slumped a little. It was like he was suddenly deflated, resigned. "Never mind," he muttered, as if to no one.

"I want to know," I implored.

"It's nothing, forget it." This time he waved his hand as if it wasn't important to him, but the thing about best friends is that they know you well enough to see through the façade. This most definitely was something to him.

"Jacob Black, if it was nothing, then you wouldn't have such a devastated look on your face. Tell me what it is. Now." I was getting annoyed at his lack of trust in me.

It must be really bad if he won't just come right out and tell you.

"It's just, well…"

"Jake…" I urged with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

And suddenly he cupped my face in both his hands and pressed his lips to mine with such intensity that I didn't realize that I was holding my breath until I was gasping for air. I was completely blindsided by his actions, and couldn't seem to get my mouth to say what I was thinking. It was like the connection between my mouth and my brain was severed completely. I just sat there and gaped at him.

"What?" he asked a little self consciously, but still I couldn't speak.

What the hell just happened?

"Bella? Say something, please?" He wore a look of concern mixed with a touch of guilt.

"That was… um… well, I am…" I was at a loss for words. I had no idea how I felt about this. It was so sudden and unexpected and I was shocked that after all this time that I had never realized that he had wanted more than friendship.

My skin blazed with embarrassment. I took a deep breath to try to calm my nerves, and pull my thoughts into some sort of semblance of coherence.

"Jacob, please don't take this the wrong way, but you can't just kiss me like that. It's not fair."

"Why?" he asked defiantly. He was challenging me to disagree.

"Because I am about to move away and you wait until the night before to spring all of this on me, that's why." I was becoming angry. How dare he do this to me now?

"I wanted to tell you sooner."

"Well you should have manned up and just done it. I just can't do this right now. It's all just too much." I sighed in exasperation.

"I didn't mean to put it all on you like that." He looked crestfallen, and his expression showed me just how much this had cost him to finally tell me the truth.

"I'm not saying that I don't ever want to be with you, because I care about you, but I just don't know if those feelings are enough. This is all so unexpected that I just can't seem to think it through clearly. Please, just let me have some time to sort myself out." I knew that I couldn't give him more of an answer than that, but I hoped that it would suffice. He simply nodded and left it at that.

The morning came all too soon, and as I did one final walk through the house, I couldn't control the flood of memories that overwhelmed my consciousness. I had only had the house on the market for a week, but as I stood there in the doorway to the bedroom that had belonged to my Dad, I realized that I couldn't stand to part with this place. Even though it was now so different, it still held too much happiness to simply walk away from. I slumped in the doorway as the tears poured down my face. It felt like the grief was renewed as I sat there, unable to do anything but lose myself for a while in the emotions that were pulling at my resolve.

I can't do this. I can't go to a city where I don't know anyone…

My mind was tangling itself with an internal debate.

You can do this! You know that you can't stay here any longer. You need to do it for your own sanity.

But I'm scared…

Charlie would have wanted you to live your life, not lock yourself away like a hermit. This is your chance for a fresh start. Do it for us and for Charlie.

My internal pep talk was enough to give me the strength to get up of the floor. I knew what I had to do, and I pulled my phone out and quickly to call the estate agent, explaining that I had changed my mind and that I now wished to rent out the house instead of selling it. It was a decision that I knew I would not regret. I could always sell it later, but for now, I needed to know that it was still here if I ever needed it.

The drive to Seattle was quiet and, as Jacob was driving, I was able to use the time to think things through. I still couldn't seem to figure out my feelings towards him – they were all just so jumbled. I knew that I cared very deeply for him, but would it ever be more than friendship?

The thing that was causing the most confusion was the memory of the kiss. Although it had caught me completely off-guard, I would be lying if I said the very thought of it didn't affect me.

It was almost as if in that moment, I had been able to feel the emotions pouring out of Jacob and into me. There was such passion behind it that it made me wonder if I didn't feel more for him than I thought. Could we be more, or was it just the possibility of there being something there, that was twisting my thoughts around and making me doubt myself?

As we finally pulled up to the apartment building, I knew that I couldn't allow myself to get involved with him, at least not yet. I had told him that I needed time, and now it was time for me to listen to myself.

I was now officially living in a different city, and would need to find myself a job before I even considered the possibility of getting involved with anyone, let alone my best friend who lives a good 140 miles away. No, now wasn't the right time for a relationship. I needed to find myself, and figure out what I truly wanted to do, to achieve. It was time to start my life, and that meant that I would have to figure things out for myself, one step at a time.

Over the next week I spent most of my time in my room. I did my best to try to be engaged by the conversations with the girls at meal times, but I could tell that they knew I was struggling. They didn't seem to mind me shutting myself away; they said that they understood, and let me be. I unpacked my things, read, listened to music and slept when I wasn't in tears. Yes, I needed this space for my own sanity.

The good thing about having some time to myself, was that I was able to get settled in, and finally feel comfortable in my new surroundings. The bad thing was that it left me with entirely too much time on my hands to think.

My mind seemed to be going around and around in a circle. I would think about Jacob, and his friendship, which would lead into how much I missed him.

I would think about the kiss, and I noticed that the more I thought about it, the more I entertained the idea of being with him. I couldn't deny that that kiss was amazing. Just the memory of it was enough to give me butterflies, and I could feel my body longing for it again.

It would be at that point that I would be reminded about exactly how far away he was, and how I had only just moved here. I needed to give it some time and not rush into anything. Besides, long distance relationships never worked, did they? It would be then that my mind would start to chide me about needing a fresh start – some time to rediscover who I really was, now that my world had changed so abruptly. The loss of Charlie would then hit me all over again, and I would cry for all the memories we shared and for everything that we would never do. The guilt would then take over because I was spending so much time thinking about Jacob, when I had just lost my Dad, which would lead me to think about how I needed a friend to help me through all of this, and so it would begin all over again. I missed Jake so much.

It wasn't until my third week in Seattle, that Alice decided that enough was enough. I had been dragged out onto the sofa, where a very concerned Alice sat beside me. Rosalie had taken a seat in the arm chair across from us, and was watching us with an air of nervous tension.

Alice's tone was warm and comforting as she spoke. "Bella, I know that you are going through a really difficult time right now, but honestly, locking yourself away in your room doesn't seem to be doing you any good." She had her arm around my shoulder, and sitting in this position, I became aware of exactly how petite she was. I nodded my head, because in all honesty, I didn't know what to say to her. "We are going out tonight and you are coming with us," she announced as she grinned at me, sure that I would be pleased by this news.

"Alice, I appreciate your concern, but I just want to read and get some sleep."

"Because you haven't done enough of that over the last few weeks." Rosalie's sarcasm made me flinch, stung by her words, but as she smiled at me she let out a soft chuckle, and I realized that this was her way of coping with the situation. She must have noticed my reaction, because she quickly picked up a magazine from the coffee table and began to flick through it, pretending that she was no longer there.

"Seriously, Bella, you need to get out. It's like I'm watching you wither away before my very eyes, and I can't stand it." Alice's tone had become very stern. "It's like watching your ghost moving around the place, but Bella, you know what? You're not dead!" It was this last comment that was like a slap to the face, pulling me out of my own world and slamming me back into the harsh reality of the situation.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, before I was overwhelmed by tears once more.

"Shhh… its okay, Bella, its okay," she crooned into my ear, as she wrapped her arms around me and just held me while I let it all out. It had been such a long time since I had anyone hold me like this, and the comfort I found in this simple gesture, soothed my pain, if only a little. I then realized that I had a friend right here, beside me. Everything seemed to begin to fall into place in my mind. I would trust Alice to help me through this.

"Alice, can we go tomorrow night instead?" I asked, my voice was almost a whisper.

She looked me over, as if making some silent assessment of my appearance. "I think that might be best, I mean, look at you!" She giggled as she waved her hands up and down as if to explain the obvious about what she was seeing. "No amount of make up is going to hide those puffy eyes. Okay, so tomorrow we're going to have a girls' day out – no tears, Bella… I mean it! And tomorrow night we hit the town." She winked at me and we all fell into comfortable giggles.

Yes, I had found a friend in Alice, and I couldn't help but wonder if we would ever be close like best friends.

I missed Jacob.

Monday, November 15, 2010

TROMS: Chapter 13 outfit

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

'Saving Bella'

Teaser - TROMS: Chapter 12 "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Teaser - TROMS: Chapter 11 "So, what do we do now?"

Monday, August 16, 2010

TROMS OUTTAKE - "Ending & Beginnings"

Friday, August 6, 2010

Teaser - TROMS: Chapter 10 “Well, I didn’t expect that...”

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Teaser - TROMS: Chapter 9 "What goes up..."